For those of you who didn’t know, I used to be a lot larger than I am now, you need photographic evidence? I’m more than happy to oblige.
But no matter what the scales say or what other people tell me, I will always feel like that fat person inside. Like I have some inner Hulk just waiting to be released upon the world never to be put away again…and to some extent I’ve come to accept it.
See, when you get called fat over and over again, you start to believe it and realise you are, so that even when you lose the weight you still feel like that fat person, being the brunt of the fat joke.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy my life and give in to the occasional Ben and Jerry’s binge, but who doesn’t? But I definitely now have a weird relationship with food and my weight, always at a constant battle with each other, and one (usually the food) will always win.
I remember at high school, one of my best friends who was also (I hope he doesn’t mind me saying this) of the larger frame but was always so happy and friendly, I didn’t understand how he was so confident when I was always the shy and retiring type. We both looked very similar but our attitudes where completely different.
We both looked very similar but our attitudes where completely different.
It’s not until after I’ve lost the weight that my confidence has improved, and interestingly he has lost loads of weight recently too, I wonder if losing the weight means you gain a new confidence or a new personality entirely?
And it’s not only losing weight this applies to, simply coming out helped me realise who I am, and this in turn made me want to lose the weight, almost a chain reaction to become the man I am today.
One thing I have been asking myself recently, as our two years anniversary grows nearer, is would Matt have noticed me if I hadn’t lost the weight? I asked him this very question in the car today to work. As to maybe not hurt me feelings, or seem shallow, he replied with the obligatory “of course I would have babe, but it’s your personality I fell in love with”.
“of course I would have babe, but it’s your personality I fell in love with”
However, before I lost all the weight I was a completely different person, I wasn’t confident, I kept (and mostly ate) my feelings to myself, and I definitely wouldn’t have had to confidence to speak to boys I found attractive.
So maybe if I hadn’t lost the weight, me and Matt wouldn’t be together and I would still be living at home waiting for my life to begin…but I try hard to not think of what ‘could’ have been and try to think in the present. How lucky I am to have friends, family and a partner who loves me and I love just as much.
I guess the point of this post is to not let things stop you from moving forward, if you want to lose that weight just do it and stop making excuses. Are you are struggling to come out to your friends or family, then find someone to talk to who you trust completely and just let it out, in most cases actually saying ‘I’m gay’ is the hardest part, and people’s reactions aren’t nowhere near as bad as you have played out in your mind.
Until next time…